


Variety is Key

by INMH



Series: Merry Month of Masturbation Fills (2018) [18]
Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Drama, F/F, F/M, Fantasizing, Humor, Lust, Masturbation, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, One-Sided Attraction, Sex Toys, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Smut, adelaide's thirst is an inspiration to us all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-05 10:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14616531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INMH/pseuds/INMH
Summary: Adelaide’s got a long list of people she wouldn’t mind bumping uglies with. Fortunately, she's got a good imagination.





	Variety is Key

**Author's Note:**

> HOW COULD I NOT DO SOMETHING FOR THE THIRST QUEEN OF HOPE COUNTY

As far as people Adelaide Drubman wouldn’t mind hopping into bed with, the list was pretty long.  
  
[---]  
  
Xander was ol’ reliable.  
  
More often than not Adelaide got the real deal whenever the desire struck them, because hadn’t that been the whole point of him moving in with her? The only downside was that he was such a green little hippie (thank Christ for that ass) that he spent a lot of time out doing… Environmental-hippie-shit.  
  
As it happened, one night that environmental-hippie-shit involved putting sand into some bulldozer gas tanks, and Whitehorse had called her to let her know that Xander was going to be spending at least a week in the clink.  
  
“Goddamn it,” Adelaide had snapped into the phone, and Whitehorse had sighed.  
  
“Sorry, Addie, it’s his fourth offense and if they don’t get his balls they’ll be screaming for mine.”  
  
“You tell them that if I get him back with anything less than both balls _I’ll_ be coming for _theirs._ ”  
  
This presented a problem.  
  
Not one that was _completely_ unsolvable, but still a problem.  
  
“Gonna kick that boy’s ass,” Adelaide grunted as she lubed up her favorite dildo- also named Ol’ Reliable- and started going to town on herself. “Half the appeal of fucking him is his ass. And the abs. Dear _God_ the abs.”  
  
Adelaide couldn’t remember the last time she’d had angry sex with a dildo, but there was a first time for everything.  
  
(And there would eventually be a last time for Xander if he didn’t stop with this stupid shit he kept doing.)  
  
[---]  
  
Pastor Jerome was too nice to say it, but Adelaide was probably going to hell for wanting to bang him.  
  
“We’re having a fundraiser at the church next week, Adelaide, and I’m looking for volunteers,” He said one day, smiling so serenely at her. “Would you be interested in signing up?”  
  
“Anything for you, Pastor,” Adelaide cooed, looking Jerome up and down without hesitation or shame.  
  
Jerome was as graceful as always. “Thank you, Adelaide. I’m always appreciative of your help.”  
  
Yeah, well, Adelaide was appreciative of him, in _all_ respects.  
  
When she thinks of going to town on the town Pastor, Ol’ Reliable comes out and ends up in her mouth before it goes anywhere else. Maybe it was a sign of some deeper, twisted deviancy on her part, but Adelaide couldn’t help but find the idea of deflowering a man of the cloth incredibly sexy. And after many, many years of developing a fine eye for it, Adelaide had a gift for figuring out which men were concealing a sizeable _weapon_ on their person; and Pastor Jerome looked like he was _packing._  
  
Her fantasies tended to branch out into the cheesy-porn sector where Pastor Jerome was concerned. There were scenarios she cooked up that would have made 1989 ‘Like a Prayer’ Madonna blush, maybe some really nasty ones that involved the inappropriate use of some holy water and some communion wafers. There were times when Adelaide finished up and laid in bed and thought, _where the fuck did that even come from? I must have the fucking devil in me._  
  
(Really, it was Pastor Jerome she wanted in her.)  
  
“God forgive me, but if Xander and I don’t work out I am making a beeline for the Pastor,” Adelaide panted to herself as she rode Ol’ Reliable. “Roast me in the pits of hell if you like, because it’ll have been worth it.”  
   
[---]  
  
Nick Rye, well- Kim was a lucky girl. That was all Adelaide could say.  
  
She kept her errant little flame for Nick to herself, because she liked Nick and Kim well enough as friends and wasn’t keen on fucking that up because she thinks Nick is a hot piece of ass.  
  
“Hey there, Addie! How you doing today?” Nick called, and may the Lord have _mercy_ on Adelaide’s soul, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Nick Rye was not a man who should be allowed to be shirtless in public: You could cause a ten-car pile-up with that chest, and he had a six-pack to rival Xander’s. At the moment, he had the hood of his truck popped open and he and Kim seemed to be working on something inside.  
  
“Doing alright,” Adelaide called back, resisting the urge to openly fan herself. “Y’all need any help?”  
  
“Nah, we’re good,” Kim said with a wave of her hand to greet Adelaide. She was in a tank that did her boobs a _lot_ of favors. “Almost got it.” The truck rumbled to life, and she let out a satisfied cackle. “Told you it was the engine!”  
  
“Kim, baby, you are putting me to shame.” But Nick said it with obvious pride. “See you later, Addie!”  
  
Adelaide wasn’t exactly the mushy sort; when you’re married to a man like Hurk Drubman Sr., you tend to develop a pretty sharp cynicism about romance and love. The only person in this world Adelaide knew she loved was Hurk Jr., and even then she knew she didn’t always express that as well as maybe she should. But there was something about the sweet, functional nature of Nick and Kim’s relationship that made Adelaide a little jealous.  
  
She tended to go low-tech on those nights when she wondered what sex would be like with Nick- and eventually, Kim always managed to work her way into the scenario as well. Adelaide didn’t fight it; she was adventurous. She groped her own breast and tried to imagine what Kim’s might feel like, what it might be like to be pressed in between her and Nick.  
  
(Maybe they’d be open to a threesome?  
  
Nah. Better not try it.)  
  
[---]  
  
John Seed was a bucket of crazy, but Adelaide had done worse.  
  
Hurk Sr., for instance.  
  
“Mrs. Drubman,” John greeted with that smooth smile, tapping his sunglasses on the counter.  
  
“I’m not a Mrs., John,” Adelaide drawled. “And I only kept ‘Drubman’ to spite that waste of space I used to be married to.”  
  
“Of course, of course. I was only wondering if you might like to come to our service this week.”  
  
John Seed seemed to think that he could charm Adelaide into joining Eden’s Gate. Which wasn’t gonna happen in any alternate universe (or whatever the fuck Larry kept going on about) but was especially not going to happen in this one. Hurk Jr. had almost joined them until he’d found out that they, quote ‘didn’t let you fuck or drink none!’, and as it was, he had almost certainly inherited his appreciation for both those things from Adelaide.  
  
“Think I’m gonna have to pass this time, John,” Adelaide said (as though she hadn’t rejected him _every_ time), “I just have so much work at the marina.” Not true, but like hell she was gonna sit in a blazing hot church of weirdos so they can tell them about their granola-crunching socialist God.  
  
John winked at her. “Then I’m sure I’ll see you next week.” He left, and Adelaide didn’t even pretend she wasn’t looking at his ass as he left the building.  
  
Adelaide didn’t even necessarily have to speculate about John Seed, because he’d been spreading himself (get it? God, she loved dirty humor) around the county for as long as Eden’s Gate had been around. Adelaide heard the whispers- she heard _everything_ \- and there had been more than a few giggling women going on about how good of a fuck he’d given them.  
  
God-damn.  
  
The vibrator- Ol’ Sparky- came out for the John fantasies.  
  
He struck her as one of those guys you could go with all night, energetic and limber and willing to go for seconds and thirds. Adelaide had never been fortunate enough to see John naked, but Lordy Lordy, what she _could_ see painted a nice picture. Ol’ Sparky brought her off to a few different fantasies, some of which were almost as filthy and blasphemous as the ones about Jerome. She would not mind taking a ride on that disco-stick; maybe she could suggest that he might be able to persuade her into coming to one of their meetings.  
  
It might just be worth it to sit in for a few hours of crazy if that hot piece of ass is the payoff.  
   
[---]  
   
Deputy Rook…  
  
Well, if Adelaide had to pick a girl- apart from Kim Rye- Deputy Rook would certainly be in the running.  
  
She had a sweet face, Rook, the kind that made her look like she was constantly surprised by everyone and everything; not that that was difficult now that the county was under the sway of Joseph Seed and the Peggies (looks like those fantasies of John were going to have to stay fantasies). She’s a nice kid, too, always grateful for the support Adelaide flew in for her.  
  
“Thanks, Adelaide,” She croaked as she awkwardly wound a bandage around her arm. “You really saved my ass back there.”  
  
“Not a problem, sweetheart. Here.” Adelaide took the bandages and wrapped them more securely over the burns the Deputy had acquired. When she was done, she pushed Rook’s bangs away from her face and smiled. “Tulip and I are always happy to help.”  
  
Far be it for Adelaide to go unsatisfied because Joseph Seed decided he wanted to give everyone a good fucking of his own.  
  
Adelaide kept her pistol on the bedside table, but she got off anyway with her fingers while imagining with surprisingly pleasure what Deputy Rook might look like in her underwear. Maybe Adelaide was more into women than she’d realized.  
  
_Well, I suppose I could still do worse than a cute little deputy._  
  
After all, Hurk Sr. was still alive.  
   
-End


End file.
